So, it seems that I have been nudged by rainingfordays! I did not even know that one could do that! Oh, the possibilities!

Anyway, I suppose that everything has been going rather smoothly; I did not even realize that it has been so long since I have posted! I have not lost considerable weight, but I have not gained any either. I am probably in the high 130s at this point and I believe that is not an entirely horrible place to be. Sure, I would like to be ten or twenty pounds less...

I am rather proud of myself, too, that I felt quite depressed today and did not turn to my happy routine of comfort food and Sherlock Holmes movies. I have avoided all junk food for a while and I hope that it pays off in the end.

Do expect another update in the near future! I have just got my computer to work once again and shall be writing to all of you much more often. I thank you so much for your concern!

Much love,
Madison

So, yesterday I mentioned that I was feeling rather cranky and depressed. This leads to lack of motivation, self-consciousness, and shameful eating habits. I succumbed, dear reader, but not as far as I might have. Such a surrender would normally have led to a week or two of self-loathing spurred by more self-loathing. This is how my depression works; the cycles of good and bad come and go. Sometimes I survive the two weeks of bad and sometimes I do not. This time I managed to jump out of the quicksand before it was too late and do you know why? I thought of all of you. I thought of how wonderful it would feel to post success and to be praised for that success. I hate disappointing people. And, by totally ruining myself, I would become just another example of why our dreams cannot be realized. I cannot motivate others with failures. We are all working toward goals of some sort and I now have the strength to work at achieving mine. No, I cannot fail all of you; I cannot fail myself. So, this is why my slips yesterday and, to a lesser extent, today are not failures. They are obstacles overcome.

With that elaborate speech trying to justify eating Skittles and what-not, I post my eating logs. :)

Okay, so, yesterday started out fairly well. I had cottage cheese and light yogurt for breakfast. Then, I had candy and two slices of pizza. I will not delve into the extent of my candy eating. It was not extravagant, but let's just say that mother would not approve.

As for today...

Lunch:
Organic Vegetable Pie - It was terribly healthy and contained tofu. Mmm... tofu.
Green Apple

Snack:
Skittles

Dinner:
Organic Cheese Enchilada w/ Black Beans and Corn - Also terribly healthy...
2/5 Pint of Raspberry Sorbet - Yes, I ate exactly two fifths.

I have been biking most everywhere today with the exception of the grocery store. I bought some green tea as it apparently boosts the metabolism. Actually, I really just love tea; I felt a guilty pleasure in buying two gallons of diet Arizona green tea. Who knows why, really. But, I suppose that is a rather good thing. Also, I carried my boatload of groceries up the stairs in my apartment building and worked up a sweat in the process. This was not resulted from being out-of-shape; it was resulted from the fact that it is in the eighties, my mom did not me out at all, and I refuse to make more than five trips up and down those stairs, thus forcing myself to carry twelve grocery bags at a time.

On a note not related to food, exercise, or green tea: I got a new job today. It pays the same as my previous one, but it involves burger-flipping and hand-to-hand combat with saturated fats. Thank the Lord that I do not eat fast food!

Toodles!

Heyloo! I am down in the dumps today... I did not get enough sleep as I got up early to go on a walk. I left at 6:10 A.M. and walked for about two hours and forty minutes. There were these random guys down near the bike trail that scared me out of my wits! They kept snapping pictures and such; I supposed that they were college students conducting some sort of research. Also, I attempted to climb up a tree next to the river bed and miserably failed.

My life is terribly interesting.

I cannot remember what I ate yesterday, but it was all very healthy with the exception of six miniature dark chocolate bars.

Also, my body is changing. I am getting slimmer but more bulky, in a way. Large calves run in the family and mine are annoying me quite a bit at the moment.

I will write more after I have taken a nap.

Toodles!

I am a bit peeved at my alarm clock at this moment. It was supposed to wake me up at 4:30 A.M.; I woke up at noon. I suppose I needed the sleep as it has been quite a long while since I woke up at such a late hour. I thought that my body was used to waking up at nine o' clock. Alas, no. But, anyway, dear reader, today was supposed to begin with my lovely morning walk. I was planning to expand my horizons a bit, too, and walk to the airport to watch the planes take off. Also, I ate two slices of pizza and a cookie yesterday that, although small slips in comparison with my overall improvement, left me a bit discouraged. And, there is nothing like warding off the guilt of sins than by trying to make amends; a long walk this morning would have mended a great deal in my psyche. But, no matter! I am going to be biking for most of today, anyway. It is so very lovely outside and adore biking more than walking.

This is what I ate on Friday.

Breakfast:
Frosted Shredded Wheat w/ 2% Milk

Lunch:
Broccoli and Cheddar Lean Pocket
Dried Mangoes
Glass of 2% Milk

Dinner:
Cesar Salad w/ Spinach and Dressing
Light Raspberry Yogurt

Snack:
Movie Theater Popcorn

And as for yesterday...

Breakfast:
Frosted Shredded Wheat w/ 2% Milk
Light Banana and Strawberry Yogurt

Lunch:
Munster Cheese
Saltines
Apple
Orange

Dinner:
Two Slices of Veggie Lovers' Pizza
Glass of Skim Milk
Snickerdoodle Cookie

There you have it! It is worth noting that weekends are my "off" days, anyway. So, things are going fairly well, I suppose. Hope that all is well with you! Keep up the good work!

Toodles!

I apologize in advance if I sound rather tired in this entry. The possibility is due to the fact that I am, in fact, tired and may be prone to sound as such. My feet are killing me, but I am terribly happy. I walked for about ten miles this morning; I woke up at 4:45 A.M. and got back to my apartment at 8:15 A.M.! I found a wonderful bike trail and got considerably muddy exploring the forests of Gahanna. I have found my exercise, people! This is something I can happily do for quite a while. It is also nice to be up and running three or four hours earlier than usual.

The last few days I have been eating quite well! Dried fruit provides a nice substitute for sweets; chocolate is not as tempting as dried mangoes or pineapples. I have also been craving milk. Perhaps I need the calcium. Who knows?

Does anyone feel heavier after exercising? I guess I subconsciously expect myself to be considerably thinner after I get back from a long walk or a run. When I face the mirror, I am like, "Wow, did you gain weight?" But, each morning, I wake up feeling just a little bit smaller, a little bit healthier, and a little bit happier.

A little bit goes a very long way.

This is what I ate from yesterday. Please forgive any memory lapses. I am a ditsy teenager, after all!

Breakfast:
Raisin Bran Crunch w/ 2% Milk
Glass of 2% Milk w/ Black Coffee

Lunch:
Panera Bread's Mediterranean Veggie Sandwich
Apple
Two Cups of Coffee w/ Skim Milk

Dinner:
Dried Pineapples
Light Blackberry Yogurt
Glass of 2% Milk

Snack:
Handful of Blue Corn Chips

Toodles!

Today, I did something quite amazing. I, Madison Lee, who enjoy waking up in the P.M., decided to get up out of my nice, warm bed at 4:45 A.M. I kid you not, dear reader. But, the real feat in this event is that I woke up at five in the morning to do nothing more than to take a walk. Can you guess what inspired me to do such a thing? Elizabeth Bennett inspired me; I watched Pride & Prejudice last night and all of that hiking across beautiful countrysides was looking pretty appealing.

I felt as if I owned the earth. The world was dark and silent with the exception of the chirping of birds. Every car that passed was an unwelcome trespasser. A few times I was spooked by movement in the darkness and, later, by oddly-shaped shadows in the half-light. I walked about two and a half miles down to a park and watched the sun begin to rise from the baseball bleachers. After a few minutes, I started back in the direction from which I came in hopes of following a bike trail down the road. Then came the rolling of thunder and flashing of lightning.

I walked home in the rain. This one rather nice gentleman pulled over to offer me a lift. I naturally denied him as I was taught not to enter strangers' cars as a child.

I am going to be waking up at five o' clock most every morning to take walks from now on; two solid hours of solitude are very relaxing.

Oh, and also, this is what I ate yesterday. I slipped a bit, but I do not feel guilty about my accidents.

Breakfast:
Raisin Bran Crunch w/ Organic Skim Milk
Cottage Cheese

Lunch:
Light Blackberry Yogurt
Dried Fruit
Two Glasses of Organic Skim Milk

Dinner:
Six Veggie Sushi w/ Wasabi
Dried Fruit
Glass of Organic Skim Milk

Snack:
Glass of Organic Skim Milk w/ Black Coffee
One Sugar Cookie
Six Fun-Size Crunch Bars

Yea, I know, cookies and chocolate are bad for you. I just was in that binge frame of mind that is hard to get out of. I think I did well all things considered. I also jogged for about twenty minutes and rode my bike for about a half of a hour.

Hope all is well! Toodles!

Today, I came to the realization that this whole exercise and diet regiment might actually, truly persist while I was disco dancing on my treadmill to I Don't Feel Like Dancin' by the Scissor Sisters. You really should have seen me; it was most amusing. I thank the Lord that my mother was not home as she may have been moved to lock me up for my behavior.

Want to know what I ate today? Of course, you do!

Breakfast:
Raisin Bran Crunch w/ 2% Milk
Light Strawberry Yogurt

Dinner:
Six Vegetarian Sushi Rolls w/ Wasabi and Soy Sauce
Dried Pineapples, Mangoes, and Apples
Two Glasses of Organic Skim Milk

Dance with me; you know you want to.

Things have been pretty inconsistent as of late. My mother decided to buy fifty bags of candy from the store and they have been all sorts of trouble for me. But, I am getting back on the bandwagon (or is it off?). I already completed today. Here is what I ate:

Lunch:
1/2 Bawali Rolled Pita
1/2 Pita w/ Hummus

Dinner:
1/2 Bawali Rolled Pita
Strawberries
Green Peppers

Snack:
Strawberry Fruit-on-the-Bottom Yogurt
Glass of 2% Milk
Green Apple

I feel pretty good right now. I do. I have been walking for an hour each day for the past three days. I know this progress has been a bit slow, but I suppose that it is better late than never. I hope all is going well with you!

Much love!

Today was the first real day of trying to eat well.

Breakfast:
1 Cup of Cottage Cheese
4 Strawberries

Lunch:
Cesar Salad w/ Spinach, Olives, Mushrooms, Tomatoes, and Dressing
Handful of Wasabi Peas
Glass of Coffee Protein Drink

Dinner:
Slim Fast
Piece of Cheese
Raisins
Four Glasses of Water

What do you think?

Yesterday, I went to the grocery store and bought a bunch of healthy foods! As I am sick to death of the lethargic and depressing condition that I have been in for much too long, I am committing right now to get my bloody life together and to achieve the goals that I previously viewed as silly dreams. Who says I cannot do the things I wish to do? I can really do anything unless my wish is to fly without the assistance of aircraft or to overthrow totalitarian England without the assistance of a masked terrorist... I watched V for Vendetta last night, okay?

Why, yes, I am, in fact, done ranting. Why, yes, that was a lot of commas.

Below I have listed what I ate today. Weekends are my "off" days as I do not want to overdue anything and ride the food roller coaster.

Breakfast:
1/2 Cup of Cottage Cheese
3 Strawberries
Egg White
Cup of Black Coffee

Snack:
Apple

Dinner:
Organic Cheese Pizza Pocket
Cesar Salad w/ Spinach, Tomatoes, Mushrooms, Green Olives, and Light Dressing
Bowl of Caramel Java Toffee Ice Cream
Glass of Water

And there you have it, people. I woke up somewhat later than usual; this accounts for the lack of a true lunch.

Have a good day! Toodles!

I do not know why I do this. I do not know why and, if I were a different person, would give myself a good slap in the face for it. You see, dear reader, I tend to go a week following a healthy diet and then will quickly fall into the habit of eating way too much of much too unhealthy foods. I vegetate, brood, and basically spend my time worrying about all of the things that are not going well for me. It is not like I try to deprive myself during my week of health; I am not reacting to hunger. I just do this. I think, quite honestly, that this is caused by my huge lack of self-confidence; I get it into my mind that I will, inevitably, fail. Maybe not today or tomorrow... but eventually. It is a subconscious thought, mind you, but difficult to dismiss and even more difficult to prevent its effects. Sometimes I wonder why I cannot get depressed and go the other way. You know, level out? A very bad thought, I know, but one that pops into my head whenever I lose track of the purpose of fitness. It comes along with the brooding, so help me.

So, this is a small cry of help to all of you. You all are very inspiring because of your successes and many of you have lost much more weight than I intend to. What do you do to keep your spirits high? How do you battle with self-doubt?

Words cannot describe how helpless and ashamed I feel. Another confession: I am on medication for depression; I should not feel this way. But, for whatever reason, I do and it is the worst feeling on earth. I always feel better when I am dieting or exercising. I do. Nonetheless, I go back to this state before long. It takes longer and longer to drag myself out of it.

I would appreciate support and encouragement. Most of all, though, I would appreciate advice. I do not have much support at home. Thank you so very much, everyone.

Today was one of those bad-eating days. I really did not eat enough and spent most of the day walking around a little town called Forest Grove, snapping pictures with Bob's Canon Rebel XT and discussing various coffee shops around the Oregon Coast. I just did not feel hungry and food did not appeal to me. One good thing to report, however, is the fact that I no longer crave carbohydrates! Ice cream just does not sound all that interesting anymore... and that is pretty amazing as I am in love with the stuff. Really, I am. Nonetheless, I did eat my share of carbohydrates today and most of my stuff was not all that healthful. I need to get in more calories. However, I will listen to my body and eat when it tells me to; I will probably make-up for today in the near future. And, hey, who am I to complain for eating less?

Here is the food log!

Breakfast:
Mini Frosted Shredded Wheat w/ 2% Milk
Fruity Cheerios w/ 2% Milk
Black Coffee

Dinner:
Rice Noodles
Tofu Stir-Fry w/ Red Peppers, Zucchini, Mushrooms, Green Beans, Onions, and Peanut Sauce
Two Glasses of Water

I did not eat lunch as I woke up late.

Hopefully, I will do much better when I get home and have more of a choice in my food selections. I am not particularly proud of my breakfast. Though it adds up to less calories than my fruit and yogurt parfait, it is not particularly healthy and does not stick with you very long before you feel hungry again.

I hope all of you are doing well! Toodles!

I just realized that I never posted my "detailed fitness plan"! Now is as good a time as any...

( Click Me! )

So, there you have the plan of action. I will lift weights for a hour three times a week; these days will probably be Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays in between lunch and dinner. We will see what happens once I actually buy my set of weights... and a scale. Yea, I still do not have one. Avoid throwing rocks at my head if at all possible. Thanks!

Heyloo, dearies! So, the last couple days have been going pretty well. I thought that I might post my food logs. Yea, I know... how boring. :)

Tuesday

Breakfast:
Fruit and Yogurt Parfait w/ Granola
Black Coffee
Four Glasses of Water

Lunch:
Bag of Sun Chips
Low-Fat Chocolate Chip Chewy Granola Bar
Four Glasses of Water
Black Coffee

I didn't have dinner. I went straight to bed after getting to my friend's house. Do not kill me.

Wednesday

Breakfast:
Yogurt Granola Clusters Life Cereal w/ 1% Milk
Glass of Water

Lunch:
Really Big Cesar Salad w/ Tomatoes, Artichokes, Spinach, Olives, Feta Cheese, and Dressing
Black Coffee
Glass of Water

Dinner:
Rice Noodles
Tofu Stir-Fry w/ Red Peppers, Mushrooms, Green Beans, Onions, Zucchini, and Peanut Sauce
Three Glasses of Water

Snack:
Half of a Red Pepper
Mushrooms

I am not really following any sort of diet plan, yet. I do not want to inconvenience my hosts by demanding a bunch of raw fruits and veggies. Also, I eat when they do as I do not want to force anyone to eat earlier than he or she wants. So, eh, I am eating as healthfully as possible and exercising by walking just about everywhere. I think I have done pretty well thus far if you exclude Tuesday's airport madness! Oh, and plus, I am craving water. YAY!

Please note that I always drink that much coffee. It's called "addiction," people.

On a non-dietary note: Oregon is gorgeous. Everything is in bloom. Also, it is jacket weather. This is a nice vacation from the bipolar nature of Ohio; one day it is seventy degrees and the next it is thirty.

I suppose this is "adios" for now! Toodles!

Alright, I said that my eating and exercise plan would begin on the day that I left for Oregon. As it ends up, I leave for Oregon tomorrow instead of today. I am still eating healthfully today, though. But, anyway, seeing as I will be rushing around various airports, sleeping away the day once I arrive at my destination, and potentially be without a computer, I thought that I should record my plan for tomorrow!

Breakfast:
Black Coffee
Some Sort of Fruit 'n' Yogurt Deal That I Find at the Airport

Lunch:
Glass of Water
Healthiest Airplane Snack Available

Dinner:
Whatever is Prepared for Me that Involves Lean Protein

I apologize for the lack of decisiveness and the weird capitalization. My exercise will be hauling around a great amount of luggage while running in an attempt to not miss any flights. I realize that the food intake is not hardly enough, but what more can one expect during such a busy day?

I dislike statistics. Numbers do not mean a thing, really. Our bodies carry weight differently, after all. But, I suppose I would like to give all of you an idea of the way that I look and how my weight is distributed on my body. Oddly enough, I wear normal sizes; I look large, though, as I have a petite build. I mentioned earlier that my usual, healthy pant size is a size two. I am this size at 115 lbs. So, I hope you can see where I am coming from.

But, anyway, here are the dreaded statistics:

Height: 5'3"
Weight: 141 lbs.
Highest Weight: 148 lbs.
Lowest Weight: 92 lbs.
Pant Size: 6
Highest Pant Size: 6
Lowest Pant Size: 0
Waist Circumference: 32"
Upper-Thigh Circumference: 21"

Oh, and I thought I should post a face to the name! The picture is of me at around 106 lbs. during my bout of anorexia. I really do not have any current pictures of me that are not absolutely horrible or misleading; I either look very large or very thin. Don't you love creative lighting and angles? I will post one as soon as my mom comes home from her cruise and lends me her camera.

( Click Me! )

This morning I stood before my mirror and made a vow to its reflection. I vowed that the body before me was the biggest that it would ever be. I smiled and looked through my closet for a comfortable sweater, accepting the truth, putting faith in a better version of myself, and forgetting regret. Meanwhile, Chopin played on the radio.

And now... I am the happiest person on earth. Can you guess why?

I have lost seven pounds! I kid you not, dear reader. I do not own a scale as I have obsessive-compulsive tendencies and would probably weigh myself every single day if I did own one. The highest weight I have been is 148 lbs. and I really felt that I had gained weight since that last evaluation. This week, especially, I have felt quite large. My period is also one week away. So, I shuddered when I used the bathroom at my friend's house and saw the scale. I was genuinely curious about my true weight as the last time I had been weighed was a month or two ago but, at the same time, was scared to death to face reality. I knew I had gained weight and I did not think that I could handle being over 150 lbs. It would surely crush my motivation. But, I did it anyway; call it a leap of faith.

I am 141 lbs. Some people may think that is fat, and I certainly look the part as I am normally a healthy size two, but I think that it is amazing. Now, I only have a little over twenty pounds to go! YAY!

Please note that I obviously did not lose that weight on purpose. I have just begun my fitness program. Do not accuse me of starvation! :)

Anyway, today was a really good day. I took a super long walk in the country and spent all day out of the house. I also did not eat very much and pretty healthfully; I ate half of a bagel with cream cheese, two cups of coffee, five glasses of water, a very small spinach salad, half of a biscuit, a few cheese cubes, macaroni and cheese, celery, uncooked broccoli, and a piece of cake. I also finished eating before six o' clock. My portions were the right size; actually, I probably could have eaten more... I just was not hungry enough to do so.

With the loss of seven pounds and the knowledge that I will be spending my entire vacation walking, hiking, or biking, I feel considerably more confident in myself. I feel like I have turned a corner. Please excuse me while I dance around my apartment.

Anyway, I apologize if I sound bland or boring. I am actually ecstatic, but am so incredibly tired as I have been getting so little sleep as of late; writing is a bit difficult when one has had only a few hours of sleep the previous night! Also, I wanted to congratulate all of you on your accomplishments. You inspire me and I am truly proud of and thankful for your examples. I would have already tripped and fallen on my face if it were not for your encouragement!

Expect an entry detailing my fitness plan in the very near future!

Have a wonderful evening! :)

I just discovered something interesting: One pound of fat is equivalent to the consumption of 3,500 calories. I have heard that the body healthfully loses weight at a rate of two to three pounds per week and my aim is to lose around thirty pounds by June. I am glad to see that my goal is reasonable; I will lose anywhere from twenty-four to thirty-six pounds by my designated month. But, back to what I was saying concerning calories: I need to burn a total of 84,000 to 105,000 calories to be at my ideal weight; this means that I must burn anywhere between 1,000 and 1,250 deficit calories a day.

That is a whole lot of exercise, people. I want to eat at least 1,000 calories a day and must, therefore, burn at least 2,000 calories as well.

It is at this point that I feel slightly overwhelmed. Who knew that this would take so much bloody work? Well, I did, but that is not the point. The point is that I need to find a majorly effective exercise system. Actually, I think that I shall look up methods of fitness and their caloric values right now!

Here is a list of hourly activities and the approximate amount of calories one will burn when doing them. I plan to spend a hour walking, which would add up to 207 to 246 calories, bicycling, which would add up to 247 to 563 calories, weight-lifting, which would add up to 354 to 422 calories, and running run cross-country, which would add up to 531 to 633 calories. This means that I will burn anywhere between 1,339 and 1,864 calories by exercising for four hours daily!

Whew... I am exhausted just thinking about it. Also, that would involve eating around 339 to 614 calories a day if I am to make it to my goal at the right time! You have got to be kidding me! Is it just me or is my calculator anorexic? One would think that four hours of pure exercise would allow one to eat nearly 2,000 calories a day without worry. One would be wrong, I suppose.

Who knows what will actually happen, though. Metabolism plays a large part in this process and I am currently unaware of my metabolic rate. I think that I will lose more than the weight projected by these numbers if I work my butt off. Even if I do not lose my lovely thirty pounds by June (*shoves soap into mouth*), I will have lost significant weight and be quite healthy. Indeed, no matter what happens, I will have made progress. Who can ask for more? I cannot.

Anyway, this is a very helpful resource detailing the nutritional values of many different foods that thin_model recommended to me. I have deemed it my own personal Bible for the next few months. Tomorrow, I will create a general food and exercise daily schedule and goals form. The lifestyle change will begin on Monday, the day that I leave for my trip to the state of Oregon. The organization and record of this change will begin the following week.

I hope that all of you have wonderful dreams free from calorie counting. It is really a most tedious business.

I thought that some of you may like to check out my regular and more frequently updated Live Journal, megoobie. It details my real life! Please feel free to add me as a friend if you so desire.

Have a nice day! :D

Long time no write! I apologize for the long delay; trust me, I have not given up on this journal so quickly! However, I was somewhat ambivalent to write because I really have no good news to report. I have not significantly changed my eating patterns and am still sick with some illness that is desperately trying to resemble mono. There is no need to fret, though, dear reader, for I am going on vacation in Oregon in a few days; I will be hiking, biking, and doing other active activities the entire time. Afterward, I will come home and stock my kitchen with delicious healthy treats. I believe this will kick-start my enthusiasm and help to build my confidence in the realization of my goal.

That is all I really have to report for now! The only other thing I wanted to do was to thank all of you for adding me to your friend's lists and supporting me. I shall reward your kindness with progress and reciprocated encouragement. Also, I hope all is going well with my fitness buddies! I love you all!

Toodles!